Funny Football Joke #1:
o Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
o What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
o How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.
o What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A dope carrier.
o Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...
As he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier try to revive Ferguson.
After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are...
"Where the hell am I?”
The Cashier replies...
"Don’t worry, it’s ok, you're in the Nationwide."
Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
o What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Funny Football Joke #2:
o How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
o Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
o What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
Their personalities.
o What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
Both are f**ing bad singers!!!
o How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
Never enough.
o What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
o What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
Trustworthy.
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Funny Football Joke #3:
o What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. Fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
o What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A Man U fan is a real dick
o Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
o David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily...
Posh asks him “why he’s celebrating?”
He answers...
"Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
o "And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
o What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice
o David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist...
"Have you donated before?”
"Yes" replies Beckham
"You should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist...
"But I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham
The receptionist replies...
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
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Funny Football Joke #4:
o David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says...
'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies...
'No, just a half, then I'm off'
o It’s the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United.
Pondering the situation, he asks his Father...
"What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
o What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
They are both f***ing useless singers.
o Why is David Beckham like a Ferrari Roche?
They both come in a posh box
o What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
o What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common?
They both go in and out of Victoria
o What do the England football team and Posh Spice both have in common?
They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
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Funny Football Joke #5:
o Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
o David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Rudd Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head...
"No, David don't do it.!" Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers....
"I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies.
"You're next."
o Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats...
One to sit in, the other to throw when the fighting starts.
o Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read...
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other...
"When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
o Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
Who gives a F**K!
o What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
o What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A Problem.
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Funny Football Joke #6:
o What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
An even bigger problem.
o What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
Problem solved
o How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
Gross Stupidity
o Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
To prove that crap can float.
o What is the difference between Gianfranco Zola and a mini?
A mini can only carry three passengers.
o Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
So they know which end to wipe!
o I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership.
Well... not entirely surprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there.
o What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
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Funny Football Joke #7:
o What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
o What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?
Fantastic!!! Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.
o Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says...
"Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-down... will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate...
"Of course we'll still be pals!!"
o You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets... What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan Twice!!!
o What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in the cup longer!
o What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
The accused.
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