Webocreation

Sunday, February 1, 2009

LAWYERS JOKES

First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar." Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown
cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us
proceed."

What do you call a busload of Lawyers at the bottom of a cliff? --- A start.
What do you call a Lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand!
What's the difference between a skunk & a lawyer that have been road killed?
Vultures will eat the skunk.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker will stop screwing you when you die.
Why do so many Lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A pit bull.

A man loaned a freind $ 500. He then thought he needed a contract so he would be paid back. He went to his Lawyer & asked him to make make him one. Lawyer says “That will be $ 50.00 (This is an old joke) and it will be ready next week. Five years later the man was going through his desk and found the receipt for the $50 so he decided to throw it away, since the loan had been paid long ago, and then decided to take it to his lawyer and see if he could have some fun. He took it in and handed it to the girl without commenting. She took the receipt to the lawyer. Fifteen minutes later she came back & handed it back to the man and said " It will be ready Friday".

Our wrangling lawyers... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think
they will plead their clients' causes hereafter,--some of them in hell. Robert Burton.
1576-1640.

Kill all the lawyers. -William Shakespeare.


There is never a deed so foul that something couldn't be said for the guy; that's
why there are lawyers.

The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends. It is preeminently a
means to serve what we think is right. William J. Brennan, opinion, Roth v. United States, 1957.

I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.
One with the law is a majority.

Free government has no greater menace than disrespect for authority and
continual violation of law. It is the duty of a citizen not only to observe the law
but to let it be known that he is opposed to its violation. Calvin Coolidge, vice-presidential
nomination acceptance speech, Republican National Convention, July 27, 1920.

When the law contradicts what most people regard as moral and proper, they
will break the law--whether the law is enacted in the name of a noble ideal...or
in the naked interest of one group at the expense of another. Only fear of
punishment, not a sense of justice and morality, will lead people to obey the
law. When people start to break one set of laws, the lack of respect for the law
inevitably spreads to all laws, even those that everyone regards as moral and
proper--laws against violence, theft, and vandalism. Calvin Coolidge, message to Congress,
December 6, 1923.

Pretty much all law consists in forbidding men to do some things that they want
to do. Milton Friedman and Rose Friedman, Free to Choose, 1980.

Laws that do not embody public opinion can never be enforced. Oliver Wendell Holmes,
Jr., opinion, Adkins v. Children's Hospital, 1922.

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him
from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. Martin Luther King, Jr., Wall Street
Journal, November 13, 1962.

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can be held against you in
a court of law; you have the right to the presence of an attorney to assist you
prior to questioning and to be with you during questioning, and if you cannot
afford an attorney, you have the right to have an attorney appointed for you
prior to questioning. Miranda warning, Miranda v. Miranda, June 13, 1966.

No man is above the law and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man's
permission when we require him to obey it. Obedience to the law is demanded
as a right, not asked as a favor. Theodore Roosevelt, message to Congress, January, 1904.

A Lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade. A. Lincoln

Please don't tell my mother I'm a Lawyer, she thingks I play the piano at
the local bordello.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The
little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked
"Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

The Pope and a lawyer die on the same day and arrive in heaven on the
same day. St. Peter tells them he will take them for a tour. He takes them
to a very nice room-similar to Holiday Inn- and says "Well, Holy Father,
this is your eternal resting place." He then takes them a room that looks
like the Taj Mahal and says " This, Mr. Lawyer, is where you will spend
eternity". The attorney looks incredulous and says "I don't understand.
Why does the Pope get such a humble room while I am given a palace?" To
which St. Peter responds" My son, we get a lot of Popes up here".

Terrorists have taken over City Hall...and they say they will release a
lawyer every hour unless their demands are met!

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