MIXED JOKES

Fair Play

The man in the barber chair signalled with his finger. 'Have you got another razor?' he whispered.
'Of course, sir,' said the barber. 'But may I ask you why?'
'I'd like to defend myself,' said the customer.


Student Pilot

Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.'
Tower: 'Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!'
Cessna: 'Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.'


Is There a War?

Two women neighbours are talking.
'Mary, what's wrong with you? Are you ill? I saw the doctor coming out of your house twice last week.'
'So what? I saw an officer coming out of your house five times last week but I'm not saying that a war has broken out.'


A Nice Catch

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- ooking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.


Chemistry Experiment

A boy comes home after school. His granny asks him: 'Well, tell me Jimmy, in what activities have you been engaged today?'
'Granny, you won't believe it! In chemistry class we've conducted experiments with explosives.'
'Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?'
'At what school, granny?'


Proof

A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says, 'Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!' He replies, 'That's okay. I have two proofs.'


Sick Humour

Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son, 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'
'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'
'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'


Wait till It's Over

A drunken man, completely detached from reality, walks down the street. Accidentally hits a post. Thrown aback by such a hit he holds his head, spinning around and goes forward again, and hits the same post. Then he silently sits on the pavement: 'I'll wait till the demonstration is over.'


Lost in the Desert

A traveller became lost in the desert. Realising his only chance for survival was to find civilisation, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, 'Water�'.
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, 'I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?'
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
'You fool,' gasped the man. 'I'm dying! I need water!'
'Well, sir,' replied the Bedouin, 'If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometres south of here where you can get some.'
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, 'May I help you sir?'
'Water�' was the feeble reply.
'Oh, sir,' replied the Bedouin, 'I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!'


Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'


A Texan in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.' Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those?' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'


At the Doctor's
Doctor: 'Deep breathing, you know, kills microbes.'
Patient: 'And how can I make them breathe deeply?'

- - - -

'You followed my prescription, haven't you?'
'Well, doctor, I didn't, for I would have broken my neck.'
'Broken your neck?'
'Yes, for I dropped your prescription out of a third floor window.'


In Court

Judge: 'Have you ever been up before me?'
Accused: 'I don't know. What time do you get up?'

- - - -

Lawyer: 'Now that we have won, will you tell me confidentially if you stole the money?'
Client: 'Well, after hearing you talk in court yesterday, I am beginning to think I didn't.'


Carelessness

The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Someone of the company had a hole in his pocket."


Mathematician

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times.)
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. One: he took a long time to answer, two: he was absolutely correct, and three: his answer was absolutely useless."


Dogs

"Madam," said the kennel owner to the nouveau riche sportswoman, "I offer you this thoroughbred bloodhound."
"How do I know it's a bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully.
"Hector," the owner ordered the dog, "bleed for the lady."

- - - -

A tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the path in a park, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, walking her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively at the lady.
"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.
The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."


A Good Detective

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'


A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'


Snack

As a Scotsman's walking in the jungle, he meets a gorilla. The gorilla is eating a huge snake sandwich. 'Excuse me,' says the Scotsman, 'but where did you get that snake sandwich?' The gorilla looks up and points behind his back. 'At the snake bar round the corner.'


A Correct Answer

A student asks his professor if it's true that tigers and other wild animals won't attack you in the jungle at night if you're carrying a burning torch. The proffessor answers, 'Well, young man, it all depends on how fast you're carrying it.'


Football Fan

A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'
'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.


Danger on the Road

Little Tommy is about to leave for school. 'Be very careful on the road,' says his father. 'Don't you forget to look round twice when you cross.' 'Oh, daddy, you know I am always very careful,' he replies. 'But Tommy, I only mention this because mummy has gone to work by car today,' father says.


At the Restaurant

'Waiter, what's this?'
'It's bean soup, sir.'
'I don't care what it's been - what is it now?'


Clever Policemen

Some policemen who are fed up with everybody thinking they're but stupid fools decide to show their wit and skills to the world. With hard work, they learn how to walk on water. When they go down to the river to give a demonstration and start walking across the water, a guy watching from a bridge says to his mate, 'Look, those stupid folks don't even know how to swim.'


Title

Teacher: 'What's your name?'
Schoolboy: 'Henry Smith.'
Teacher: 'Always say 'Sir' when you speak to a teacher.'
Schoolboy (apologetically): 'Sir Henry Smith.'


Needless

A librarian said to a man asking for a thriller: 'I can recommend you this book. It is a hair-raising story.'
'No use to me,' said the reader, 'I'm bald-headed.'