Judge: ‘The last time I saw you, I told you that I didn’t want to see you here Again’. Accused: ‘That is what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they would not believe me.’
What is your age?’ -asked the Judge. ‘Remember you are under oath’. ‘Twenty-one years and some months,’ -the woman answered. ‘How many months?’ -the Judge persisted. ‘One hundred and eight.’
Chemistry Teacher: ‘Can you give me the formula for water?’ Student: ‘H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.’ Chemistry Teacher: ‘Where did you get an idea like that?’
Student: ‘You told us the other day it was H to O.’
Judge: ‘How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?’ Prisoner: ‘How do I know, your honour? I haven’t heard the evidence yet.’
Doctor: ‘Nurse! Did you take this patient’s temperature?’ Nurse: ‘Why, doctor? Is it missing?’
The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried: ‘Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I don’t know what to do!’ Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth. ‘Oh, thank you!’- cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’ ‘No madam,’ -replied the middle-aged man. ‘I’m from the Income Tax Department.’
Teacher: ‘Mundre, can you tell me which month is the shortest?’
Mundre: ‘It’s May, miss.’
Teacher: ‘No, it isn’t. The shortest month is February.’
Mundre: ‘But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!’
Difficult Question
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
• "Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it."
• "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
• "What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
• "Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?"
• "Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
• "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
• "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
• Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
• "Got milk?"
• "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." Condom Size Tester
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle !" Cyanide Please A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport
10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."
9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"
6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package."
5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed."
3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting."
2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
Marketing Tips and Its definition
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
3 ways to catch a TIGER:
1:- NEWTON METHOD: let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as observed.
2:- EINSTEIN METHOD:- run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it.
3:-According to most efficient POLICE METHOD:
Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.
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