MEDICAL JOKES

Joke ____1

A few days before his proctological examination, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the surgery, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him.

You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."


Joke ____2

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to the pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours."

So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine, but Jim had suffocated in that plastic bag."


Joke ____3

A guy walks into an ear doctor's office, "Doc I can't hear a thing out of my right ear." The doctor says, "Let me get my otoscope and have a look."

He gets his ear light and looks in the guy's ear and then somewhat bewildered and scratching his head says, "Man! You have a suppository in your ear."

"A SUPPOSITORY!" exclaimed the man.

"Thank God! Now I know where my hearing aid is!"


Joke ____4

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've let off wind at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me. My wind is still silent, but now it stinks terribly."

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Joke ____5

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
"Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
"Hey bring that bone back!! Bad dog!"
"Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
"And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."

Joke ____6

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old woman, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "It's my aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Joke ____7

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Joke ____8

An elderly man complains to his wife about feeling a little worse for wear and after a lot of persuasion agrees to go and see a doctor. The doctor examines him and asks the man to return a few days later for the results.

The doctor turns to the patient and says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have terminal cancer, polio and have tested HIV positive. But the good news is you also have Alzheimer’s disease so in about 10 seconds you'll have completely forgotten about it."

"Ooh good" said the patient. "What was the bad news then?"

Joke ____9

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have left you some money in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,

"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

Joke ____10

There was a guy in hospital that was scheduled for surgery. On the morning of his operation he starts yelling that he wants coffee. The nurse comes in and asks him to be quiet, as he is disturbing the other patients.
"But I've had coffee every morning for forty years and I want a cup of coffee NOW!" he screamed.

The nurse quickly and silently counts to ten and replies, "Now sir, you realize that you are due to go into surgery in an hour and you can't have anything on your stomach. Couldn't you do without coffee just this once?"

The guy starts to shout even more and the doctor comes in to see what is the matter with the patient. The nurse explains the situation to him and the doctor turns to the man in bed in front of him and says, "You understand that you can't have anything in your stomach before surgery, don't you?"

"I don't care. I. Want. Some. Coffee!!!!"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Very well. I'll tell you what; the only way we can give you any coffee is through an enema. Would that make you happy?"
The guy pauses and replies, "Well, if that's the only way I can get any coffee around here..."

So the doctor tells the nurse to give the guy a coffee enema to keep him quiet. The nurse returns with an enema bag and a fresh pot of hot coffee.
She pours it into the bag, greases up the applicator and sticks it up the guy's ass. "Ah, hot coffee!" the guy says with a satisfied tone.
All of a sudden he starts complaining again. "What's the matter this time?" the nurse yells.

"It's too sweet!" the guy replies.

Medical jokes vocabulary

Match the halves to make common medical collocations from the texts

Ill examination
A sex limbs
The medical positive
Terminal cancer
HIV term/ terminology
A proctological effects
Reattaching change


Find words and expressions in the texts meaning:

Die due to lack of air
A tablet that put someone other than your mouth
Air channels near the top of your nose, that sometimes give people headaches when they get colds etc.